Dinner ~~ two egg tarts for the price of one!! Lucky me ~
Peppermint tea and a book all while facing a busy intersection with ample opportunity to people watch ^^
If I sit with my but all the way to the back of the seat on the bus (and most chairs) I cannot touch the floor with my feet unless I point them down and touch with my toes.
He made me a “masterpiece”
Really really great day. Just need a leg massage cause I’ve been spending almost ever day recently walking at least 3-7 hours~~
1. Conversation exchange: When you say things like: “Making international friends is my hobby” I just want you to know that is why you don’t have any international friends. We’re not a collectable you asshole. We’re people. Fuck yourself.
2. I’m a bit moody. No caffeine at all today makes me feel like ripping someones face off. In lieu of another persons face I may settle for my own. Seriously bad headache. I feel kinda stomach crampy and jittery.
3. I tried a Japadog today. I had the Okonomi dog. It was good. Good quality meat and other ingredients. However. Doesn’t make the craving for a REAL okonomiyaki go away. It intensifies it.
4. I made a delicious supper, but couldn’t wait for it to finish so I heated up the leftover oatmeal in the fridge and put 2 teaspoons of sugar in it. Okay by teaspoons I do mean tablespoons. Whatever. I decided today that even if it means I’ll never ever be as skinny as I’d like I ABSOLUTELY will NEVER EVER give up sugar. You don’t have to tell me I’m hooked. I know it. Down to the core of my being I love sugar. It’s lessened and matured as a taste as I’ve aged but still. I’m a much better person for the sugar I consume and I can only imagine I would actually go on a murderous rampage without sugar. You think I’m exaggerating. But I do frequently imagine how I could take out annoying people and I’m convinced it’s sugar that holds me back. So the moral of today’s story is I love sugar and caffeine but I can only lesson one and it’s not fucking sugar. Okay?
5. People, guys that is, are fucking ballsy in Vancouver or something. Since living here there have been 2 incidents of people trying to pick me up. I mean not that it never ever happened anywhere else but. It seems to be happening on a greater frequency here, and I’ve noticed other people seeming to be plucking up the courage, before I promptly scurry away. Once they guy stopped me to ask me what my wool cape is made of. It’s so obviously a knit of wool I can’t imagine why you would need to ask. So I said wool. Then he said he thought it was cotton. I was like… Ummm no trust me it’s wool and I couldn’t read the tag anyway because I bought it in Korea. He proceeded to try and ask me to go out after saying that he wasn’t trying to pick me up… wtf. I said no I don’t date anyone. He said why not. I explained I just don’t have a heart left to do it and tried to leave. He proceeded to give me the sagely advice of going outside my box and traveling. I explained that I HAVE traveled and I’ve also moved cities since then [and almost quipped about me being older and likely knowing more than him so he should SHUT UP already]. Finally I could break away and go on my way home. The guy today stopped me and said I kind of look like he knows me. WTF? No. Then he’s like trying to run this game. I’m like dude I’m not even from here. So he asks me where I’m from. I said Edmonton and he’s all trying to talk about how he went there one day and saw the mall. GOOD FOR YOU. Then this homeless guy approaches the OTHER guy and starts acting like he knows him. So the first guy is like maintaining that he doesn’t know the homeless guy. So I’m like “Well I don’t know EITHER of you so I’m leaving.” He tries to stop me by stepping in my way and I’m just like. I’m LEAVING. And walked away listening to them now fighting. Seriously dude. The homeless guy literally just did to you what you did to me but you’re going to punch him for it? Maybe I should have punched you as I tried to leave like 3 times before the homeless guy and you wouldn’t fucking let me. ARG. So Vancouver. You’re ballsy and I’m going to have to turn up my volume and on with greater brilliance my BITCH face. The only reason I didn’t look grumpy is because I was looking at a fab apartment complex and day dreaming about what it must be like to live there~
6. Yeah. So I met someone kind of on that 1Km thing. WHICH I ONLY
JOINED so I can creep people’s status things and try to decipher them as practice/vocab what not. But anyway this one guy had a couple of cute dog pics up and I messaged that they were cute and what kind it was. I tried to use some Korean as practice. We’ve been chatting now. I mean I kind of say hello to anyone who will message me because I might as well be nice. I’ll never ever meet them anyway I’m just there for study! But they are usually so nice! I post my stupid little sentences and they correct/give encouragement~ So over all I think it’s nice although some people are just like: Hi I want to be your friend. And I feel like saying: dud it takes a long time to become friends and I don’t want to waste it on someone that’s leaving in a few months. Sorry. peace. hahahahah Maybe I should say that! So anyway back to the dude I’m chatting with. I’ll just call him umm Bry because … reasons. Anyway. He’s actually pretty damn cute. And smart. And was supposed to come into Zara and say hi to me today. But I think he chickened out lol~~
7. Taichi [my Japanese language exchange] is still up in the air. I dunno. Sometimes I can’t tell if someone is being normally friendly and I’m literally just so numb that I think it’s unusual or if they are like making overtures. I feel like I didn’t come away with many friends from Calgary because all the cool awesome people I met when I was with Hyun Woo moved away and you know how it is, you only knew them a little from work anyway so it’s hard to remember to keep in contact~ And then after I was just [and kind of still am but better than initially] so fucking sad I couldn’t see the world around me clearly. I kind of pulled my head out of my ass for long enough at the end to connect to Nicole and Terumi but you know Nicole probably thinks I’m a fucking nut job because I was the first “white” girl she met after moving to Canada with her family from the Philippines and I ended up crying in the stock room all the fucking time. And Terumi is just visiting the country you know. She’s super fucking cool and her sister is Gyaru so when I go back to Japan I want to stay in touch and go shopping with them but~~ Sometimes I feel like I’m tired of making friends with people who leave. I want a good group of people who will live here. I guess that’s why I don’t want to give up hope that Taichi is just being friendly because he does plan to immigrate and he is pretty fun to hang out with~ You can always tell someone is good when you feel comfortable to be a weirdo fairly shortly after meeting them ^^ I’m fairly certain I ranted about the various types of Loves that Buffy had in Buffy the Vampire Slayer as a reason why he should watch it last night. All of it was nonsense to him likely. I’m such a freak and I love that show wayyyyyy too much. Whatever Spuffy for LIFE!!!
8. I misssssss syou my friends who are far away~~~~ Nizhoni~ your travels seem amazing~ Don’t forget me up in Vancouver I know you wanna come here~ and we can go over to Victoria and Buchart gardens and all sorts of shit so yeah~ And Remi <3 I’m seriously very excited for you to come here. I talk about it all the time. Food and accommodations will be on me! So it will be a blast! And I really want my friends from Japan [Ryosuke!] and Korea to just hurry the fuck up and move here already. If you don’t like your life, change it. It’s scary as hell to do it but you should just do it!
9. yeah. I still really need to get out of this Zara. The GM is a crazy bitch and apparently it’s common place for her to like ream out employees. I straight up said while we were chatting in the lunch room about this: I would walk out and quit the moment someone did something so unprofessional like that. I would. I do not need to be treated like that for fucking 10.50 an hour. I don’t need to be treated like that for any amount of money. Everyone was quick to say how it wasn’t “like that” but I mean come on guys, she is either yelling at you or she isn’t. There isn’t such a thing as friendly yelling.
Okay so I guess that is all my little updates that I keep meaning to post about and then get too lazy~ I’m drinking my rooiboos and I feel the 2 codeine tylenols kicking in. So I feel fabulous again~~ Time to wash my face and get to bed!
I think I was in Heaven.
Actually, it may sound creepy, but how her hair was when she came back from the dead was my inspiration to grow it out!
And looking at it now, I realize that she has layers! Like my layers! So growing out the layers wasn’t getting me closer to that. Although I guess in the last 6 months or so I’ve just been too sad to give a shit about it. I didn’t know if I should change it, or if doing that would just make me look bad and still be sad. If I kept it the same and he saw me, maybe he would remember that we were good? But then he left the country so I guess that didn’t matter. And I guess then I was just stuck in a time warp. And every time I got angry I’d think I should change it, because he liked it! But then I wouldn’t because he liked it.
But I like it long to! I grew it long because I wanted to! Because I thought it looked pretty on her, and she’s so damn pretty so I wanted to try and emulate that?
I don’t know how one person could take away my sense of self ? It was there before. I mean not saying I had a rock solid sense of self worth my whole life, but especially the year before that, in Korea but not really because of Korea, I felt really good. I was starting to get there before Korea. Part of it was getting my disease under control. Part of it was realizing that I didn’t and probably never would love Alex and staying in an unhappy relationship was bad for both of us. Part of it was meeting some really great girlfriends, something I always wanted but had never really found solidly. I still really wish we could have stayed in one place longer because I super enjoyed the friendship! I want to keep it going~~ I also developed some other good friends, but being that they weren’t girls I don’t know that it’s such a big deal. So I guess that year was a culmination of a lot of good things and then when I met him, I did enter it cautiously, but eventually as things wore on I didn’t want it to end. So I guess I still feel a little ripped off that I was up front about that. Honest about every feeling. And he lied and he broke every promise and I know it’s more complicated than that but it doesn’t feel that way. It just feels like I got lied to. I got cheated. And I know I’m cheating myself now. I’m wasting my time being sad about something I can’t change. I can’t ever make it different. If there was something I could have done back then, the time is past. But I can’t help how I feel either. Every day in some small or large way I miss him. I miss waking up and feeling grateful and happy to love and be loved.
I know people say you should be grateful for the good things in life, but how many of you really are aware of how grateful you are each day? I think it’s something we need to make a habit out of. But spontaneously here I was thinking to myself every day, sometimes many times a day, about how lucky I was that we met. How lucky I was that I could make dinner for him or see him smile, that he liked me for my brain and not my looks. I just felt happy. I felt lucky. And I knew how lucky I was. Really. It was such a chance that I even decided to reply to him. To help him. The day we were supposed to meet, it was kind of a blah day for me, and I didn’t want to take the bus and go downtown. I almost just canceled. Sometimes I get so nervous to meet someone new.
Now sometimes I wish I had canceled. I know I’m still lucky in a lot of other ways in my life. But it doesn’t seem as bright and good without someone to love.
I don’t know how this post started about hair and ended with this. I’m crying and
Well I do know. Because that stupid conversation partner. What if that’s what happened with HW? We met for conversation exchange too. Although we were both more serious about it than this guy ever seemed. Still. Kind of follows a pattern doesn’t it. Apply for the website. Trick someone into meeting you about exchange. Hang out a bit. Tell them you like them. ruin their life. This whole week has me thinking that is everything that it was for him. A part of my heart knows that it isn’t, but maybe it started that way? And that fucking sucks. Am I bad person because I was born in Canada? Because I have blonde hair I’m a big fucking stupid slut is that it? Just an easy fucking target?
I guess I’m just a dummy. And now I’m even more dumb because I just can’t stop cheating time away from myself. I shouldn’t think about him anymore. He doesn’t care about me. Maybe he never did. And even if he did or he didn’t it doesn’t change the fucking outcome. Either way here I am, somehow not only minus my first love, but minus my self worth and self respect.
Sitting at the BEST LIBRARY EVER. (It is. Don’t argue. It was on Battlestar Galactica and it looks like the future.) drinking loose strawberry black tea that only cost .50 more than a shitty tea bag in Calgary. I have bought dried persimmons, Dduk, mandu, kimbap and, happiness I suspect.
Also I’m not sure how, but I was following some really negative blogs of people who are struggling with eating disorders. I unfollowed. constantly seeing the negative gifs and what not that they post, while I feel I can relate to some of the feelings, wasn’t helping. I am still following some. Because I hope they will get better and their blog isn’t really negative.
Ah I don’t know what’s going on :( I got food poisoning from the iffy quiche I ate for lunch on Monday, missed work Tuesday, I always have Wednesday off and now. Now I have shown up an HOUR AND A HALF early for work :( and my stomach is suddenly not ok with this… I am such a moron but also… Really uncomfortable ~ oh well. I’ll just get a second cup and become one of those strange people who hangs out at the mall hours before it opens~ and hope my stomach buggers off before work :(
First I’d like to say: I love that the new tumblr app actually loads the damn pictures but it’s annoying that it reloads the feed if I leave the app!!
Second I guess I’d like to say that lately HW(my bf) and I have been having issues. I know what I want to do for a future career. It’s not a feeling I’ve had since at least my second half of my third year (academically it was actually my 4th year because I took 5 years). It’s simply perfect but!! Because it’s an emerging field I need!!! Need to get in next year and not miss out~ but he has been saying how he wants to stay with me blah blah but not making any kind of permanent plans or starting the visa application process!
But I think we have (once again) worked it out. He is super afraid to tell his dad specifically. But I said first you should ask advice and make it seem like you just have a friend who is going to and the idea seemed interesting: what do you think? And from there you have started a discussion where you can begin to feel them out. It’s also scary for him because he knows exactly what his future holds if he goes back to Korea: study hard to get a job, get a job, hopefully make over 2000 dollars a month, get a car and house and family, sacrifice for his job and get old (his words basically). He said he’d like to try doing an import export business if we move to Vancouver and I think that is GREAT! I told him that staying in Canada is scarier because he can’t precisely say what the future holds but that maybe that means it will be more fun too? In Vancouver there is an even bigger Korean population and he can make some friends and still feel connected to his home. Also it’s easy to visit from there!
I realized something cool about how I’ve grown since going to Korea/traveling abroad. I’ve realized that I don’t really hate myself anymore. I really used to believe that I was not worthy of love. I did not deserve it. When I listened to grunge in the 90’s and even the year before I left I could relate the lyrics to my own lack of worth. Now I just enjoy the songs. When I thought we would split I didn’t think: I don’t deserve it anyway or I’ll never find anyone. I thought that he was making a mistake and that I didn’t really want to find anyone else because I am so damn happy with him! But I know I’d survive if we had to split. Just would realllllly suck.
Anyway. I guess this is the good part of growing up!! Just loving yourself!